Things kids love

As we’ve shown, kids adore homemade skateboards and dolls made from wooden spoons. But you know what else kids love? Bran. It’s a fact. You add the word “bran” to anything, and kids go wild for it. Frosted flakes? How about frosted bran flakes? Blueberry muffin? Try blueberry bran muffin. I know that this must be true, because there is no other logical explanation for why the project below is called a Bran Tub.

There is no bran anywhere on the list of materials. The sign lies to the hopeful children and promises bran where there is only sawdust or sand. I’m not sure I understand the logic here. I guess you don’t want to give kids a whole box of real bran, because they’ll just eat it all  . . . and you already used all that bran in the birthday cake . . . but if you call it a Bran Tub, that makes reaching around inside, blindly groping for the String Camel Doll all that much more exciting . . .

Yeah, still not sure I get it.

Anyway, you know what kids love even more than bran? Fancy dress hats. It’s really not a par-tay until you’ve got a parrot, a pilgrim, and a flamboyant sunflower in attendance.

The pilgrim is wondering whether she should banish this profligate posy. The parrot is thinking his eyes are sunflower seeds.  This party may end badly.

not.a.doll*

What toy could be more loved and cherished throughout a child’s years than a doll handmade by someone who loves her?

Here we have an example of a rather nice homemade doll.

Though I can’t help sharing that the way this child holds her makes me think of this creepy scene from Lost.

Still, given that Barbie has been around since 1959, I suspect that the children being given these as toys might have been more than a little disappointed.

Hell, even the doll looks disappointed.

And I thought Barbie was unrealistically thin and anatomically incorrect. It’s the little raptor arms on the last one that I find particularly enchanting.

These I like because, though it says “corn dollies” at the top, and falls into the vast “nature crafts” category, they’re made entirely with paper straws. Leftover, presumably, from consuming all that delicious high-fructose corn syrup.

At least these do not purport to be dolls. They’re “figures.” And they decided to breed. Yet they may be the most doll-like of the bunch, since they have their own DREAM HOUSE!

*I must note that this title pays homage to a running theme from one of my favorite blogs, You Suck at Craigslist.

Won’t someone think of the children?

The 1970s were a very different time.  For many housewives of my mother’s generation, amphetamines helped keep the house clean and shiny. With all that energy, it’s no wonder moms had time to make dress-up clothes, games, and toys to keep the children busy and blissfully unaware of Mom’s little pill problem. From the expression on this girl’s face, though, I think she suspects something.

“Thanks for the swell puppets, Mommy . . . I just wish my friends’ parents hadn’t all told them they couldn’t play over here anymore.”

“They’re finger puppets, sweetie. As long as you have fingers, you don’t need anyone else. I learned that from being married to your father. Now go play with your toys. I have a skateboard to make for your brother.”

Crafting after a bender

I am a proud crocheter, and yet I have never understood the need to cover one’s kettle*, toaster, or extra roll of toilet paper with a handmade “cosy”. There are so many better things to do with my time. Like drinking, for instance.

If, however, I had some reason to keep my alcoholism a secret (no kids, no job, no problem), I guess I could understand the need to cute up the booze a bit.

Still, I can’t imagine reaching a point of inebriation where actual instructions would be needed to paint. a. bottle. Of course, after reading the last line on the card above, I suspect many of those interested might lose hope of success, anyway.

But wiring lamps? Aw, yeah. That goes great with a nice Grand Marnier  . . . and raffia. That straw base’ll make your addictions look downright classy.

*I have been informed that the tea cosy is actually a very useful item meant to keep the pot warm while the tea is being served. As I never meant to malign a logical craft, I refer you instead to this example of crocheted uselessness.

Craptacular Crafts

“Family Craft Cards.” I actually bought the complete set at a yard sale last weekend. A genuine artifact from the decade of my birth. So many possibilities within this happy yellow box. Because I come from a long line of crafters (I have two Etsy shops which I may shamelessly plug now and then), I have decided to share this treasure trove of instructions with the world. With this blog, I will share the lost arts of a bygone era.